“A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden fall upon us, when adversity takes the place of prosperity, when friends desert us, when troubles thicken around us, still will she cling to us and endeavor by kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness and cause peace to return to our hearts” Washington Irving




I don’t know what kind of heart she has. She is my angel and everything for me. How could I let her go? I never overcome this pain. A painful memory. If talking about mother, my tears will drop like a heavy rain. I have many, many regretful things left inside my heart. How a scar got on my heart. There’s a story behind everything. Hard and heartbreaking. Behind all my stories is always my mother stories because hers is where my stories begin. So, don’t judge me badly. Mom was the most loving person I knew. She’s the best example of unconditional love I have ever seen.

I had received your never ending support and protection. Your existence is the same as angels. You’re my white knight. I want to say “thank you”, “I’m sorry” but why I couldn’t say it in that time. Why everything too late. Is it too late to apologize?

It has been six  years since the accident,  changing our family forever. People always ask, “How are you? Is everything okay?” I usually give my polite, standard answer: “Oh…thanks for asking, we’re all doing fine. And you?” But the reality is -unless you have experienced the loss, the heartache moments- you cannot possibly understand the magnitude and the seriousness of the life-altering implications. When the pain of loss happens, it’s like a lighting bolt comes and shakes the foundation of the ground.

“Mom, can you hear me? How are you? I’m sad and frustrated. Mom…. I miss you. I want to hug you. Sometimes I’m tired of everything. Mom… I miss calling you mother. Mom… I got my happiness from people around me. I’m so thankful so I can stand on with my own feet to face this cruel reality. Life is too brutal to handle.”

April, 23rd 2010

In the afternoon, I visited my grandmother with my mom. My mom told me we would go shopping in the Wednesday so I was really excited. Because I really love my grandma, I wanted to stay longer, so my mom went home first without me. I didn’t know what kind of feeling I had in that times and then…

A calling from my aunt.

The accident happened.

I was so shocked and feeling terrible. When we took her to the hospital, I really thought she would spend a couple of weeks there, until she was got well, and then going home.  But my mom was in a deep coma.

April, 28th 2010

When the doctor came out and told us that her body was shutting down and we needed to call the family, I went into protective mode.  I cared not what anyone else thought, only how I could make this easier on her. Even she was in coma, I started to chat with her without her response. I told her to wake up soon and go home with me. From the bottom of my heart, I’m sure she heard what I had said.

At 6 PM, doctor said my mother was really in a bad condition to my family but I didn’t know anything because I was charged to took care of my mother in ICU. When I read the holy Al-Quran, all of the family made it to the hospital and made me confused. They were all gathered around the window of the room. Suddenly my mother in a critical condition and I couldn’t stand on that so I ran out of the room and didn’t want to see and know anything till as she took her last breath and God took her home. My mom passed away at 9:35 PM.

Having a large family was such a blessing at that time.  All the support we gave each other, and our friends were wonderful and helpful too.  It was when they went home that it all started to sink in and when I began my transformation. I silently cried hard in the bathroom because I did’t want to make my father becoming sad. Sometimes, I thought that I didn’t have someone to rely on. Everything  changed since then.

Mom missed my junior, high school and college graduation, and she’s going to miss my wedding, and the births of my children. This is one of the most painful realities of being the one left behind. You can’t make any new memories with the people you love. Most people say it gets easier with time. In some sense, that’s true. Life goes on, new memories are made, and new relationships blossom. But there will always, always be a hole in your heart. I used to think that this hole had damaged me in many ways. After my mom passed away, I struggled every time.  But it’s also more than okay to be happy.

Those who truly know me and knew my mom know pretty much every heartbreaking detail of the pain I’ve endured after losing her, but for those who I’ve recently met or have yet to meet have no idea. Losing my mom has reshaped who I am, how I see the world, and has changed my life forever.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s