When You Want To Be Loved

It hurts to let go, but sometimes it hurts more to hold on” – Anon

Words from my heart that I have wanted so much to share with you but it shouldn’t. I left so much unsaid things inside.

I was wrong in the very beginning. I thought that he could learn to love me when I gave him my heart, my endless love. It sounds so excessive. I let this love grew high like a mountain and then I was feeling so stupid and angry. Why love can be so cruel?

But life is going on. When someone new comes into your life and he is like an ideal type of your future husband and you feel comfortable around him but you stupidly doing bad things and now you regret it the most. Then he left.

Now, I turn my back from everyone. My mood is like a rainstorm and bright sunny day in the same time. Absurd. I want to say what’s on my mind but I cannot. It hurts just to see you. Is it my fault when I feel hurt? I thought I wanted to forgive myself. Yet something in me didn’t want to forgive. But I can’t be miserable all the time.  Does that mean can we think pain away? Just how much power you have to control the pain?

God, please help me to forget him. How can I move on when I’m still in love with him. Please take him away from my mind. Please stop me from worrying little things about him. Please just let me be strong to see him with another person that he loved.

I wanted to be loved by him. By someone I love. By someone that want to spend the rest of his life with me. But why I never experience that? This is the biggest question lol. Is this the way God saves me from doing bad things?

I always the one who love someone and never got it back. My first love was my senior in junior high school. He made my heart flutter. But he had a girlfriend.

I’m just like bead of dried snot. HAH!

For the God sake, I can’t continue write this tonight. Maybe next time?

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